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depressio:

A Depressio reporter uncovered a letter sent by a group of Div school students to Duke men’s basketball coach, Mike Kryzes…Krzysek….damn it…Coach K.  A Depressio exclusive, here is the letter reprinted in full.

To the Most Eminent Coach K,

We grad students at the Divinity school love you. We camp out because of you (forced to play beer pong and dance licentiously), we paint our faces because of you, and after a late night of cheering, we slop together papers because of you.  Sure, around our classrooms, we trumpet Duke’s wonderful faculty and commitment to the Church, but we really came here for the name, the reputation, the basketball. Your basketball. While we’re training to serve “the least of these,” we weren’t about to go to some no-name place with a chump team. You’re our man, Coach K. Condemn Carolina to Hell? Cheer a devil? If you say so, you got it.

But coach, our patience is waning a bit. A first-round collapse three years ago?  A second-round meltdown last year? And getting destroyed in the sweet sixteen this year? That’s not what you promised. That’s not the Coach K ball that “called” us here. Desperate times call for divine measures, so we at the Div School thought we’d pass on some advice.

First, you’ve got to cut back on the basketball-messiah act. It forces the basketball gods to enact retribution. We worship you, but that doesn’t mean you should let it go to your head. After all, we’re just as good at unmasking power as we are at reinforcing it. And don’t blame this on our expectations. If you don’t want to be expected to turn water into wine (and c’mon, be honest, you love those expectations), could you start recruiting taller water? Maybe some water that can get to the hoop with its left hand? It’s not about your magical powers; in the basketball kingdom, God helps those who help themselves to a low-post game. Think about it.

Second, may we offer you a recommendation? One of our philosophical-theology professors is a towering 6’5” or so. Even though he’s around your age, he could be the best big man since “the Landlord” Sheldon Williams (and he’s bound to get a better nickname). I mean, geez, if we were you, we’d hold an open workout for anyone over 6’4” and a deuce and a half. Better yet, since the extravagant budget you have now apparently isn’t enough, maybe you should write to the donors for some extra recruiting money (but DON’T send them one of those videos you showed at camp-out last year, or else they’ll send you instead a manual on Microsoft Media Creator).

Finally, we heard that you were questioning whether there needs to be a change in your basketball philosophy, especially in light of the new climate centering upon “one-and-done” stars. How might Duke basketball keep up with this cultural shift? Should we adopt the latest fads to influence and attract a new generation of recruits? Coach K, on this point we at the Divinity school speak with conviction. In the words of one of our own, the first mission of Duke basketball is to be Duke basketball. Duke basketball does not have a recruiting philosophy; Duke basketball IS a recruiting philosophy. Be who you are, Coach.

Thanks for listening to us. We’ll still be at campout next year, hoping for a new (and better) video, playing our only game of beer pong that year (really!!). Just please—don’t let us down. If we don’t have basketball, we might as well have gone to Princeton.

Love, Your Div School Fans

More to come on this story in the days ahead…